I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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