I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
