I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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