I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
