The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
