u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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