Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
