i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
