I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i don't like sucking hair
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
