At least make sure they are 18
Why
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
