Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
