When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
