If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize