sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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