My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
