i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
third nipple confirmed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize