Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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