genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
