my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
