could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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