why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
