my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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