god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
