the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
