non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
