if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
