You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
