Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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