So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
