so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
