I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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