Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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