Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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