I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
