sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
