we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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