What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize