i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
