what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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