Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
