She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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