So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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