Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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