I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
