i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
