I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
