Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
