just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
