I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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