John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
