i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
