remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
