Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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