From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
