my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
