i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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