Just fell off a train. Bad.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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