I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
