if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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