i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He literally asked permission to hit on me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
