It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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