I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
