What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
