I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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