I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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