Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I know her cup size but not her name....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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