I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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