I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
