I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
