So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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