maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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